My relationship with food has gone from fear and manipulation to appreciation and joy. During my late teens and into my early adulthood, I used food as a tool to achieve a certain look or feel a certain way. As an athlete, I valued the importance of food and exercise so I followed all the rules. And as a young female longing for attention and a sense of worth, I also used food and diet rules in order to achieve a certain appearance.

I studied nutrition and exercise science because I wanted to teach others how and why they too needed to follow certain rules to be healthy. As a personal trainer and dietitian I taught people to do what I did in order to look their best. But it never worked long term. I always hated encouraging people to do things just because it was good for them but that they did not want to keep doing. They found no joy or purpose in it. This was unsettling for me. Yet, this is what I knew, and this is where I placed my identity – on being healthy and being good and telling others how to be healthy. So I continued.

As I started a family, my own health journey took an unexpected turn. It started with PCOS and difficulty getting pregnant, then Hashimotos, then gut health drama. I dove into functional nutrition, got a certificate of training, and experimented with all the elimination diets. Instead of using food as a tool to look a certain way, I began to use food as a tool to fix my health. I saw a variety of functional medicine practitioners that reinforced my belief that food will heal me and so I hyper focused and tightened my grip.

But the quality of my life became less and less with the mounting stress of doing all things – be it to look a certain way or in hopes of preventing deteriorating health. I was an impatient mom, and a mentally absent wife. My social calendar was sparse. I was really unhappy and stuck in “why me? I’ve done everything right” thought patterns.

Thankfully, the turning point came as I began to invest in myself in new ways and found a functional practitioner that I aligned with, I began to release control and reflect in order to connect back with my body. I began to slow down and sense the wisdom in those slow spaces. It allowed me to drop into my body and witness my thoughts and feel the sensations, and experience the emotions. I realized that I had been stuck in a “doing” mode in an attempt to control the outcome all my life.

With help, I began to surrender and get clear on who I was, what my values were, and what I wanted in life.I began to realize that what I was seeking – a sense of freedom & worth, joy in the now, and being known in all of it – wasn’t in following certain food rules and ticking all the “do this to be healthy boxes”. It was in ensuring a proper foundation was laid and in reconnecting with my body.

Over time, I have learned that a solid nutritional foundation is necessary. Improving quality, balance, and and nutrient density does wonders. But beyond that, I don’t need tighter restrictions or more boxes to tick, I need slow spaces to reconnect with my body and the wisdom it holds.

And this is where I love to lead women – in repairing their relationship with food to lay a firm foundation. In reconnecting with themselves – the sensations of their body and the desires they hold. Because, I believe, from there, we expand into the life we are searching for.